What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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