yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
is that a dick in a sweater?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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