They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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