i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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