the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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