He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize