shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
