something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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