I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
