the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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