3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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