i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
