My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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