so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
