I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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