All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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