Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Randomize