your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
im having a threesome with these popsicles
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I think i got beer on your cat.
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