sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
