Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
