i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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