Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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