Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
