i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
