Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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