I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
