I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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