I am puke
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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