i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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