did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
