Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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