quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
