I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
me + whiskey = a bad person
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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