and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
