only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
