She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
