My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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