i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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