My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
