areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
