nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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