Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
