You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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