I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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