I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
