I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
