That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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