life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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