They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
