lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Randomize
