let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He better not be in your backpack
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
