sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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