last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
