I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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