She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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