His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
