Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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