You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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