She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
