you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
